I have had an interesting collection of moments recently. I feel as though my heart and mind have been opening to things like never before, but I also feel old habitual responses resisting my desire for them to leave permanently.
One particular theme that keeps finding its way into my thoughts and feelings is ‘attachment’. I have found myself asking myself questions like, ‘Sarah, how would you feel if you lost your wallet today? Or if your house burnt to the ground with all your belongings? Or if you never got to experience certain things you’ve always wanted to in this lifetime-like marriage to your one true love, or a jeep wrangler?”
I guess what I am really saying is, “How attached are you? Could you honestly let these go and be happy in this moment anyway?” I’d love to say yes.. but..
I knew something was going to happen to stir things up a bit. Sigh.
So.. today I went to wear one of my favourite jackets, and before the thought had fully formed in my mind I knew.. I’d left it somewhere 😦 At first I didn’t want to believe it as it was one of my favourites. I searched all the cupboards like 3 times, then searched through Ben’s clothes, all my draws, my gym bag, my car, Ben’s car.. The craziest thing about it, is that the last few times I wore it I had a feeling this was going to happen, and today, when it did, I knew what life was showing me.. Attachment.
It seems like such a small scale, but it wasn’t just the jacket itself, it was what it represented to me. How it made me feel. How it came to me in the first place. It was a gift. All these little attachments which has made me feel so nice. This was one of those jackets that would make me smile every time I put it on. I felt so safe wearing it. So loved. So many times I would even say to Ben, “I really love this jacket. I feel so nice in it. So me. It’s so light, yet so warm, and it fits me perfectly.” I would relive it every time I wore it.
At first I wondered if I was punishing myself in some way for not having been grateful for what I had? But no. I was soooo grateful, and I expressed it all the time. Was life showing me that deep down I feel unworthy, or that good things will be taken away? No, I didn’t feel that. The interesting thing too, is that all my plans for the day suddenly went out the window. I didn’t feel like doing any of it. I just felt so lost. So unsettled. I didn’t want to wear any other jackets, I wanted that one! The thing I was attached to was drawing my energy.
I knew what this was showing me. I needed to let it go.
But what did that mean? I felt the urge to call a couple of places, and go see if I had left it there by accident. Would it be wrong to do that? Of course not. If you feel inspired to go after something, then go! So I did. I went here, I went there, I went to lost and found.. but then once I had exhausted all my inspirations for action I knew the time had come. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Let it go.
As sad as it sounds in that it was ‘just’ a jacket, I actually almost cried. It had represented so much to me, and I had allowed myself to feel it so fully. To delight in it.
What had I done ‘wrong’? perhaps I shouldn’t have let myself enjoy it so much! Then it wouldn’t hurt to lose it! Then I realised. I hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’. I enjoyed that jacket for the few short months I had it. I loved it. I mean, I really loved it. I smiled. I felt safe in it. I felt like me. But that doesn’t mean I need to hold onto it forever.
It made me think of other things we try to hold onto-like people. We come across people who are so special, and who bring out the best in us and make us feel so good! We get scared of delighting in them too much in case we lose them. Or alternately, we try to hold them and keep them next to us always. But that is not up to us. All we can ever do is enjoy the moments we have now. Love each person for all they are worth, now. Now is what we will always have 🙂
If you love something, set it free.. If it comes back, set it free again, and again, and again.. 🙂