I have experienced some heavy emotions over the past few days. I went to some of the deepest and darkest corners of my inner self, and found so much light.
A couple of days ago I had a night of intense heaviness. I felt so weighed down, so ashamed of who I was. I felt like failure. Like something inside of me was inherently bad and worthless, and that no matter what I did or how I grew, or how my behaviours changed, I was a lost cause. That’s what I felt life was reflecting back to me, so why bother trying anymore. I felt like Thomas Edison who had attempted to create the lightbulb for the 1026th time only to find it had failed AGAIN! I had tried so many different approaches, I had chosen to grow when it was uncomfortable, take leaps (MANY!!) of faith when I had no guarantee of support or success, and when it felt like no-one believed in me. I felt helpless and hopeless.
A situation arose where I was caught in a moment of shame that was one of the most intense I have ever had. Not because of anything anyone else did, but because of how I felt about myself. What I believed about myself. Instead of hiding this time though, I sat with it. I looked at the other person who found me in this place and told them the truth. I didn’t try to hide. I didn’t make excuses. I simply said the truth in that moment.
I’m done I thought. I’m not hiding anymore. The only time we feel shame is when we feel we have something we need to hide. I am me, and this is who I am. I am not going to beat around the bush, slightly alter the truth, hide things, avoid people, make up excuses or justifications. This is who I am.
And who I am is amazing! I am one of the bravest most courageous people I have ever known. I give freely and ask for nothing in return, I face my fears every time, I love and I love and then I love some more.. I make sacrifices that no-one will ever know about, and most importantly, what I seek to create with my life is a way to give to everyone. I desire to support everyone, to give where the needs are. The craziest thing about all of this is that I have been punishing myself for this rather than celebrating it! No wonder the world wasn’t appearing to support me-I wasn’t supporting me! If I saw anyone else with these traits I would be inspired and in awe, yet because it was me, I hated myself for it.
No more. I created a new mantra for myself, “I only do things that I am proud of, and I am proud of all that I do.” The best thing about this is that it means it is impossible for me to be anything I am not proud of. To do anything I am not proud of. I am either going to choose to be proud of what I am doing, or not do it. I am proud of who I am right now.
Let me tell you, this has been so powerful for me already! It has caused such a dramatic change and it has only been one day! Shame is considered to be THE most debilitating of all the emotions, so if you remove the shame, what you allow yourself to suddenly receive is amazing! You are SO worthy and you know it! You’re not repelling the gifts with shame anymore!
I read a quote yesterday which I feel to be so true:
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
I am done Being my own enemy.
This also came into my inbox today, like a sign from the heavens. I hope it speaks to you too:
“One of the clearest lessons we’ve learned is that the one word to describe you best is ‘courageous’. You go after what you really love, you chart your own course, and you create something (often from nothing) that usually makes the world a better place. Whether it’s a neighbourhood pizza shop, an organisation to help those in need, or an idea poised to launch a new way of living, you believe where others don’t. You have the guts to strike out on your own to make your dreams-however bold or humble-a reality. That’s courage, and it’s worth every ounce of support we can give.”
In love.. xxx