I woke up this morning feeling very anxious.
As soon as I was aware of being awake, I was also aware of hundreds of thoughts flooding my brain. The thoughts were all geared on what I failed to do right yesterday. All the wrong decisions I had made. The thoughts were mean and relentless.
Most of the thoughts were to do with ways in which I ‘should’ have done better. Things like, “I should have stayed back after my lecture when my friend’s asked me,” I shouldn’t have eaten so close to going to bed,” and “I should have been more enthusiastic when my mum texted saying she was dropping by..”
On and on and ON they went. I started to feel increasingly sad and disheartened. “I am honestly doing the best I know how!” It felt like I had blown so many opportunities and that everything I had decided to do was precisely the wrong decision. Within 2 minutes I had come to believe that my whole life was a series of bad decisions! Eek!
Ok. Stop. Breathe.
I went into my music room and allowed myself to write down everything I was feeling. All the bad, sad, dark, and anxious thoughts. “The thoughts are thick, dark, and solid like a brick right in the middle of my brain. There is no movement; it in not pulsing or breathing. It is dark and heavy and weighs a tonne, and is just sitting in the middle of my brain taking up all the space. Nothing else can get in.”
I looked up the definition of dense: closely compacted in substance; exerting force so it becomes more compressed; stupid.
Woah! Lightbulb moment! That is precisely it!
It felt like the density in my brain was inhibiting my spaciousness. My intelligence couldn’t express itself fully. It wasn’t that I was stupid, it was that all the anxiety and worry was taking up the space and not allowing any movement.
I also noticed that every ‘should have’ was adding force and increasing this density even more. The anxiety was becoming more solid.
Wow. The phrase “As dense as a brick” all makes sense now!
I decided to create some space again. I saw the brick dissolving and moving in and out. Like breath. Then I went for a run and opened the space up even more.
I started to see my decisions yesterday in a new light. Every decision was made consciously. I chose not to stay after the lecture out of respect for my tutor ( I wanted to be at class on time); Dinner was late because I wanted to spend some still moments with Ben first (and I wanted to make zucchini noodles which take a little time); I was honest with my Mum as honesty of my feelings is important to me. Such a different perspective when the light is allowed in.
I also came to see that every moment up until that point was perfect. It all led me to a greater insight into my brain and how to allow it room to breathe. I know this will open my brain and life up in the most amazing ways 🙂
So if ever you wake up with a barrage of mean forceful thoughts, think of the light coming in and dissolving the brick. Let the density make way for a breathing brain 🙂
Know that you are a genius. x